Spouse Quality

Q: So what qualities should you look for in a spouse? Height, weight, and curtain colour????

-- Confused in LA


A: Dear Confused,

What qualities should I look for? I should look for someone whose personality doesn't clash with mine. I should also look for someone who I never get sick of, no matter how much they're around. Would you like to actually see my entire list of things I look for in a spouse?

-Not Confused


Dear Confused,

Well, it helps if you know their name...

-Hi


Dear La!,

Well, duh! They can't be fat, and you don't want to end up like Mr. and Mrs. Smith, do you? If you recall, they started out arguing about the curtains, and ended up trying to kill each other. I don't know about you, but I never really like it when the person I'm married to shoots at me.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator