Kissing and getting fat

Q: What if you marry someone because they're not fat, and then they get fat? Can you divorce them? What makes someone a good kisser?

--Anonymous


A: Dear Anonymous,

Really, since I've never kissed anyone, I couldn't tell you what makes someone a good kisser or not. I guess you'd have to kiss them and see if you like it, and if you like kissing them, then they're probably a good kisser. I hear brass players (in the band) make really good kissers because they exercise their lips by playing their instrument.

And I'm not going to touch the divorce question because sadly enough, I've known people who have gotten divorced just because one of them got fat.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear Anonymous,

No, no, no, you can't divorce someone for getting fat, because if your spouse gets fat, it's obviously your own fault for cooking so darn well. Try burning some things and see if that helps.

To be a good kisser, you have to have good aim, first of all. If you try to kiss someone on the mouth, and you miss... that's just goofy. It's like when you give someone a high five, but you miss. You know how goofy you feel? Well, it's a lot worse when you're trying to kiss someone. Second, you have to have good timing. Sometimes people don't want kisses, like when they're trying to tell you something important. Third, you can't be sick when you kiss someone. Most people don't like that. Fourth, you can't kiss too hard. Nobody likes it when you smash your face into theirs so hard that they have to go back into braces.

-Hi the kissing expert