Greatest President

Q: Who was the greatest president of the United States?

-Anonymous


A: Dear Anonymous,

Since the first definition of 'great' in the dictionary is "LARGE IN SIZE; BIG," the answer would be Abraham Lincoln at almost 6' 4" if you're going by height and William Howard Taft at over 300 lbs if you're going by weight.

The next definition of 'great' says "MIGHTY; INTENSE". This can't be easily judged since it's very unlikely any of them either arm-wrestled each other or had a stare-down.

Next definition: "LONG CONTINUED". The answer there is clearly Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who served three terms for a total of twelve years in office before the 22nd Amendment was written, limiting presidents to two terms in office.

Next definition: "MAIN". President George Walker Bush, being our current president, wins that one, unless by 'main', you mean 'original', which is actually implied since you used the past tense of the verb 'to be', in which case President George Washington, the first President of the United States wins.

Next definition: "MARKEDLY SUPERIOR IN CHARACTER, QUALITY, OR SKILL". And the answer to this, as you might expect, is: Now, honestly, Anonymous! This question is entirely based on opinion. There is no one greatest president any more than there is any one greatest person or greatest movie or book.

-Captain Literal, Defender of the Obvious


Dear Anonymous,

George Washington, because he wore a curly white wig and got shot at.

-Apathetic


Dear Ignorant,

I was. Naturally.

-Liar