Sympathy Addict?

Q: I've had what some people call a "rough life" - dad left, no money, mom couldn't handle it, etc. I am finally away from it all. Part of me wants to talk about my past. I crave sympathy. But sometimes I feel guilty about the pity-seeking and wonder if that will make it worse. When I get sympathy I usually keep talking to get more sympathy. Can you get addicted to sympathy? Part of me wants to move on, but I don't know how.

-Anonymous


A: Dear Anny,

I understand your plight better than just about anybody else on this board. (We, being omniscient, should have common answers but unfortunately we haven't had the same experiences.) I cannot say that this has happened to me. I have felt the way you feel, however. To crave sympathy is normal if not expected. Things like this should never be allowed to happen to good people such as yourself. There is a possibility that one may become addicted to sympathy. How to solve this problem is complicated but I will try to describe the process the best that I can.

First, analyze the situation. You seem to have covered that part well enough by pointing out that you are, indeed, away from the situation. It plagues you currently and you crave sympathy for it. First part, over.

Next, keep it a secret. You had a huge problem to overcome and if you tell people they will feel sorry for you. If a person hears this, within two weeks of meeting you they will almost instantly turn and say to themselves, "I don't want to get close to that person in ANY way." That is a problem. Try simply not talking. Avoid the subject. Turn conversation away from topics that may lead you to pleading for sympathy. If only a select few people know, they are more willing to give you a little pick-me-up every once in a while.

Finally, don't expect anything regarding sympathy. Don't hope that someone will notice that you are having a rough day and give you a mint brownie and a hug. If you don't expect it, you won't crave it so much. It's surprising how that works sometimes. I'm generally the guy who knows when someone is having a rough day and will then buy them a mint brownie and give them a kindly friend-hug. There are only four people who do this that I have heard of. I have met one other. DO NOT EXPECT TO MEET MORE THAN ONE!

If all else fails: (I know you're going to hate this but PLEASE don't burn me at the stake) Do service. Become the person everyone turns to for help. Help your fellow man. Tutor a subject you're good at. Don't say you don't have a subject you're good at. If you really came from a hard life, you have more common sense than most people and probably have a special area you are amazing at. I found that I'm great at Calculus because I can tune out other people and focus.

Good Luck. If it doesn't help I have a bag FULL of tricks for you to dig into. Just drop us another line. If it does help, drop us a line anyway! We'd love... I'd love to hear how it all turns out.

-Lucky Aaron