Dances

Q: How do I get a guy to dance with me? I smile, get away from groups of girls when the slow songs start, I've even attempted asking guys to dance (was turned down too), I don't think I'm THAT ugly! I also have pretty friends who don't get many dances. We would appreciate not being left alone any more! HELP!

Oh yeah, PS Sincerely, Oozer the Loser


A: Dear Forgetful,

Okay, first we're going to use our omniscience to determine that you're a girl. Then we're going to determine that you go to dances, that you enjoy dancing, and that you're not taller than all of the guys. After we have determined all of this, we are left with the simple answer that boys are simply too lazy to be bothered asking girls to dance. They go to dances for the food. Period. End of story. Your options are to a) get a boyfriend, or 2) invite guy friends who like to dance.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear Oozer,

Look at your name. There's your answer.

-Apathetic

Apology

Dear readers,

Once again, the Board of Omniscience would like to apologize for its extended lack of existence. We would like to note that we are omniscient, not necessarily omnipresent. Several of our writers have moved on to greener pastures, and the board has fallen apart in their absence. We are now looking for more writers. Anyone interested, please e-mail us a resume. Also, we would like to bring to your attention that we have lost our old e-mail address. Please send e-mails to fiddlesticksthedefenestrator at gmail dot com.

We hope to have answers to current pending questions within a few days. Any questions you may have previously e-mailed us that we haven't already answered have been lost. Again, we apologize.

-The Board of Omniscience

Easy Courses

Q: So, uh, what course can I take that will be easy and not a lot of homework and I can get a good grade? Has anyone had a really easy professor? What courses do I need to stay away from?


A: Dear Student,

Dance classes are usually pretty easy. I hear Welsh is pretty easy because the professor realizes people only take it as an elective. Check ratemyprofessors.com for students' opinions of professors. Usually you want to stay away from science classes and math classes if you can help it.

-Marty


Dear You,

Sign Language.

-Hi


Dear Student,

Take my class. I'm an excellent professor.

-Liar


Dear Dork,

Student Development, which might teach you that homework is designed to help you learn, and if you learn the material, then you get good grades.

-Apathetic

Grades

Q: What grades am I going to get? I'm really worried that my proffessors are going to give me F's in some of my classes ...

-Bankrupt at College


A: Deer collej,

Ay dee in wun klas -_-. that wun I kan bee shur uv but yur prufesrzarnt dun inpooting gradez yet. sory but until they doo wee kantleeguly tel yoo. sory... ^_^; good luk on yur historee klas.-_-*duznt look lik yoo did too good ther. Remembr! Graduut skools lookat yor majur G-P-A furst. ^_-

~ E-L-L-E :D ^_^


College

heh...

~OWA


Dear Bankrupt,

Sorry we can't give you your grades. When you applied for college you signed a paper saying that only faculty can access your grades. I had to fill one out too. I hated that I couldn't just get my grade in a curved class until they were all done. That was before I was omniscient so I didn't get the best grades possible. Good luck. Remember, dance classes at your college are really nice and usually lack in numbers when it comes to men. If you can get into one (If you bring a partner it's almost assured in some classes) though it may be a bit hard and your friends might give you a hard time, it's a fun way to improve your GPA. Elle is right though. When graduate schools look at your transcript they are going to look at your major GPA first and then your overall cumulative GPA. Your major GPA is the GPA you get when you add up all of the grades of the classes required for your major. When I was getting my degree in psyche that included English and math. It didn't matter that they weren't necessarily psych, they were required in my major.

Lucky Aaron


Dear Poordom,

You have a worse problem I think. You have fallen into the sad predicament that will one day ruin you if you do not fix it. You believe that you get grades like candy. You don't have anything to do with the process. You don't GET good grades. You EARN GOOD GRADES!
assume that you just GET grades without EFFORT! LAZY SLACKER!

(This letter was a team effort. Grahm Aire found the question offensive and Expantastic One was asked to assist him in the writing. This footnote was calmly written by Dia Grahm. She wishes to say hello and apologizes for her long absence.)


Dear Bankrupt,

Not good enough to get a scholarship.

~Hi


Dear Poor,

You failed. That's what you get for playing video games when you should have been studying. And by the way, you spelled "professors" wrong.

~Apathetic


Dear College Kid,

You don't want to know.

~Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator

Professional Omniglots

Q: You are college students? I thought you were professional omniglots!

-fuzz


Dear Fuzzy,

Yeah, well, you're wrong.

-Apathetic


Dear Fzz,

I’m not a college student. I’m the world dictator. Worship me!

-Liar


Dear Hamster,

We would be, except that omniglot isn’t a real word.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator

Hot Guy Advice

Q: Any ideas on how to get a hot guy to notice I’m alive?


Dear _______,

Throw your shoe at the back of his head. I guarantee he won’t miss you.

-Apathetic


Dear Hater of All Names and Titles,

Well, since hot guys are most likely to notice hot girls, you could try setting fire to yourself and see if that helps. Or you could spray him with a fire extinguisher.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear Anonymous,

A lot of guys like girls who can sing really well. If you can’t, you could bake him cookies, or ask him out on a date so he knows you’re interested.

-Marty


Dear Blank,

Look him straight in the eye and say “Let’s hold hands.”

-Liar

For Fun

Q: Dear Board,

What do you do for fun?

-Harry Potter Geek


A: Dear Geek,

Torture people who think they’re Harry Potter and set fire to people’s houses.

-Apathetic


Dear HP Geek,

Play video games, read books, watch anime, draw, cook, and watch Apathetic and Liar beat each other up.

-Hi


Dear Geeky,

Answer my fan mail and juggle unicycles.

-Liar


Dear Creevey,

I like to ride my bike or practice karate.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator