Harry Potter 7

Q: What will the seventh Harry Potter book be called and when is it coming out?

Joan the Fanatic


A: Dear Joan of Har.P.,

J K Rowling isn't going to announce the book's title or release date yet. Fortunately for us, because we're omniscient, we already know what the title will be and also when the release date will be. Unfortunately for you, this is one bit (well, actually, two bits) of our vast knowledge that we can't share with you because if we told you, Mrs. Rowling would find out that we told you and she would change the information just to prove us wrong. I can, however, tell you (without fear of repercussion) that J K Rowling has a new daughter as well as two other kids, so she's taking a break from writing for a few months to be a mom. THEN she'll begin the next book. Once she starts writing again, I'd give it a year or two until she finishes it, so you could assume that it will come out sometime in 2008 or so.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


My Adoring Fan,

It will come out next Thursday and it will be called Harry Potter and the Family of Redheads.

-Liar


Dude,

Who cares?

-Apathetic

Fruits vs. Vegetables

Q: What is the difference between a fruit and a vegetable?


A: Dear (insert name here),

According to Dictionary.com: "A fruit is actually the sweet, ripened ovary or ovaries of a seed-bearing plant. A vegetable, in contrast, is an herbaceous plant cultivated for an edible part (seeds, roots, stems, leaves, bulbs, tubers, or nonsweet fruits). So, to be really nitpicky, a fruit could be a vegetable, but a vegetable could not be a fruit."

-Marty


Dear Nonexistent,

Fruits are sweeter and they give you diarrhea if you eat too many.

-Hi


Dear _________,

I invented them both, so naturally, you might get confused. Fruits are the ones I want you to sacrifice when you worship me. Vegetables are the ones parents force-feed children, claiming it's "good for them." (Such abominable behavior is exactly why such fruity sacrifices are necessary.)

-Liar

Spectator Sports

Q: Why are people so into spectator sports? I love to play sports, but watching someone play a game of football is as interesting as watching someone play chess. And golf? Why is there a golf CHANNEL? And everyone gets so worked up like it is the end of the world if they don't win!

-- Loves Tag and Volleyball


A: Dear You're It!,

This sounds more like a rant than a real question, but I made a list, and here's what I came up with:

1. People are either too lazy or too lousy to play themselves, so they just watch instead.
2. If people are watching other people play instead of playing themselves, they're free to criticize and say how much better they could do it because they don't have to prove that they really can do better.
3. Some people don't have lives, so if their team loses a game, these poor saps lose their identity.
4. People get an adrenaline rush from watching a game if they really get into it.
5. People like screaming at players, whether it's in the stands or at a TV screen. It makes them feel better.
6. Games distract people from their real-life problems.
7. People are worried that they'll either lose or get hurt if they play themselves.
8. Golf was invented for old people who are addicted to watching sports but can't handle the action involved in "fast-moving" games like football. There's a golf channel because playing a game of "organized golf" takes a lot less planning than playing a game of "organized football".
9. A few people go to football games just to watch their son play, or their daughter be a cheerleader, or their other kid playing in the marching band, or their other kid be a mascot, or just to be with their friends.
10. I like chess. Shut up.

-Marty


Dear luvs,

Golf izunt thee end uv thu wurld. It iz closs thow. The end uv thu wurld reevolvz urownd ay big bol geting hitted reel hard bi a big stick kald a klub. That iz much lieek. Golf. Riet?

E-L-L-E ^_^ XD


Dear Linear Typical Ventricies,

E-L-L-E has a good point. Golf rules the world secretly behind our backs. Each and every thing has a relation to this astoundingly simple yet impressively impossible sport. The very balance of physics is tested and shaped by the intricacies of the game. A man uses a rod of a given element (usually an iron) to move a spherical object of another element across a terrain of varying hights, depths, widths, and textures. If a man attempts this sport without the proper authority and destroys the laws of physics in a single swing, the fabric of the universe could be destroyed. We need that channel to make sure we keep the world in balance.

Dia Grahm

Bad milk, BAD!

Q: So, like, I was wondering how do you know when Milk has gone bad?

~~Mary


A: Mary,

Horns.

Owa


Dear Quite Contrary,

If it looks like yogurt, it's gone bad. If it's lumpy, it's gone bad. If it smells sour, it's also gone bad. If it's yellow or orange, it's definitely bad unless someone added food coloring to it just to be funny. You can tell the earliest by smelling it.

-Hi


Dear Mary,

Has it been attacking people? Has it made faces at loved ones? Has it behaved inappropriately at dinner? Does it no longer assist elderly people across streets and instead hangs out with obvously rotten milk, forcing elderly people to run in front of cars? Does your question really have an answer we can give? Are you sure you asked the right question? DID YOU CONSIDER THE CONSEQUENCES OF THIS QUESTION?! This is not a milk parenting cite. I cannot give you answers on how to raise your milk to be a productive member of society! I DO NOT WRITE BOOKS ON RAISING MILK PRODUCTS!! If you WANT to learn the step by step way to grow your milk into the amazing product you WANT it to be I suggest you READ THE LABEL!!!!!!!

-Expantastic One

Application procedure

Q: How do I apply to be a member of the Board of Omniscience answer team?

- the Ancient One


A: Dear The Ancient One,

You would want to start out by calling us "dear". We like that. Then e-mail us (you probably wouldn't want to put this in a comment) and say "Hi, my name is (insert name here) and I like to (insert interest here) and I eat (insert plant or animal here) and I want to become a member of your omniscient answer team, so would you please e-mail me an application at (insert your e-mail address here)? If you do, I will most certainly bake you guys cookies of any kind you desire if and when I ever meet you in person." Then, once we've actually written an application and come up with some delightfully amusing tasks for you (amusing for us, I mean), we'll put your application and your portfolio in a file on my computer and think about looking at it the next time we need a new writer for the board, which may be soon. If we like your application enough, we might even hire you on the spot.

Anyway, that's our application procedure. Don't forget to make the words exact in your e-mail (except with the stuff in parentheses replaced), or we'll just e-mail you back and mock you, and you'll have to try again to get an application. (Fortunately for you, having to apply for an application multiple times because you didn't get the words quite right won't significantly reduce your chances of being an answerer.)

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator

Collej, yo

Q: Yo man, wuzzup yo!?

Jus' a wundrin' what collej be acceptin' me. I ain't got no GDE o' wuteva that thin' be, nor no High Skool Surtificat thin', ya know what I'm sayin'? Couldn' get inta Dminyun Busnes Skool o' nothin'. I got dis grate job a McD's 'dough. Yo, brother, any help is 'ppreciated, yo.

Dubble Jee Man


A: Dear GG,

Well, you could always be a gangster.

-Apathetic


Dear Jee,

Most (but not all) community colleges will accept people who don't have a GED. But if/when you apply, I would try not to overuse the word "yo" there. However, be sure to think it through. College might not be your thing. Think about this: what can you do with a college diploma that you can't do without one? Get higher-paying jobs, right? But would you enjoy the kinds of jobs you need a diploma for? Do you really want to be a biologist, a translator, a historian, or a chemical engineer more than you'd want to be a construction worker, a burger-flipper, or a Wal-Mart employee? Sure, it sounds more intelligent to say "I'm a microbiologist" than "I flip burgers", but what if you really enjoy your McDonald's job? We need burger-flippers and janitors just as much as we need scientists (if not more). In my opinion, the world needs less science and more McChicken sandwiches.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear Double G,

I like Mickey D's.

-Hi

Blackberries at Thanksgiving

Q: The Board,

Did they have black berries at the first Thanksgiving feast? I have since discovered how good those things are, have you tried them before?


A: Dear Noname,

The first Thanksgiving feast was held in October of 1621. Blackberries grow in the summer, not the fall. In the UK, there's a superstition that you shouldn't eat blackberries after September 15th, because the devil has supposedly corrupted them by then. I'm sure the devil has better things to do than corrupting blackberries, but because of the change in weather, the berries usually start to mold around then anyway, and eating them much later than that isn't really good for your health. Furthermore, the Pilgrims were pretty superstitious people, especially where the devil is concerned, so they wouldn't have taken any chances.

I agree with you, though. Blackberries are stupendous!

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear Question Mark,

You've discovered blackberries since then, have you? Well, I'm glad you hadn't discovered blackberries before then. That would make you HOW old???

And I prefer strawberries, but blackberries are okay too. I bet the Pilgrims had them, but not in late fall, which was when the feast was.

-Hi


Dear Black berry lover,

Blackberries are nasty. So are Pilgrims. They deserve each other.

-Apathetic

Two trains and a meal

Q: Dear The Board,

If one train left Chicago at 7:35:00 am, traveling at an average of 62 miles per hour, and another train left Los Angeles at 6:42:12 am, traveling an average of 56 miles per hour, and both trains were on slightly windy tracks, and the train from Chicago had to make a twelve minute-fourteen second stop somewhere before resuming its normal speed... what would I have for lunch?

-Irrelevant


A: Dear Irrelevant,

Your question is inherently flawed. It would be little more than an algebraic formula to figure it out but the problem lies in the structure of the question itself. "Slightly windy tracks". This could very well be referring to the speed of the wind over the tracks (using "tracks" as a geographical mark as in "I sat on the box" (the box in this situation being no more than a place whereon my buttocks rested) ) in which situations would more often than not cause you to eat a lunch consisting of little more than a bagel with cream cheese and a perishable drink of something much like a fruit, or the tracks could themselves be creating wind.

This is in fact a possibility because of the recent invention of breathing rails. These new organic rails feel like the trains themselves are not mechanical transportation devices but, instead, enormous monsters capable of light speed. They are currently working on bionic trains as well, just in case you wanted to know. In this situation you would be eating rice covered in a delectable sauce (soy perhaps).

The final circumstance under which your question may be painfully ripped apart letter for letter is in the event of these tracks being very serpentine in their progression. In this case you would probably avoid eating unless it is sodium based liquids and peanuts. They, being free on most transportation vehicles, would be an ideal choice.

If the train stopped for a twelve minute-fourteen second stop and you were supposed to eat during this time, you would eat what you had packed away. Having been on many trains, I can assure you that you wouldn't get anything good by leaving it.

Grahm Aire


Dear moot,

Lunch.

~OWA


Dear Irreverent,

Well, assuming there weren't any other delays, and assuming the trains follow the same tracks outlined in the miles on the map I have, and assuming the wind is blowing in a constant direction at a constant speed, and also assuming aliens don't take over the earth while all this is happening... By my calculations, I would say a turkey sandwich.

-Hi


Dear Not importunt,

WI goe bi trane? O.o It s tooooo faarr fur yoo too goe too Loss Anjelezz frum Chikagoe! >_< And thaat iz too sloe! -_-; Traynz goe lots fastur. ^_^ I wened too Chikagoe frum Loss Anjellez with mi oldur bruthur and wee wened lots fastur thun thaat! ^_-

~E-L-L-E! ^_^


Dear Irrelevant,

You didn't eat lunch. I watched.

-Apathetic

The BYU 100 Hour Board

Q: Dear Board of Omniscience,

I notice your forum is awfully similar to the BYU 100 Hour Board; eerily similar, in fact. Why is this? Did you copy them, or have they copied you?

- Optimistic


A: Dear Optimistic,

What’s so eerie about it? The only thing they have in common, really, is that they’re both forums that answer people’s questions. You can’t tell me that we’re the only two forums in the world that do that. The differences are that a) this one has more omniscient and super-cool writers, b) this one answers questions faster, c) we don’t refuse to answer questions just because we don’t think they’re important enough, and d) we make it a point to hire good-natured people who will actually have fun answering questions. On the other hand, a) the BYU 100 Hour Board has more writers total, b) it’s specifically designed for a certain group of people (although it’s open to everyone), c) it’s much more publicized, and d) the site itself is programmed better.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear Optimistic,

I invented the 100 Hour Board. I invented computers. I invented the planet Earth. Worship me.

-Liar


Dear Oppy,

Haha, you used a semi-colon!

-Hi

E-L-L-E ^_^ :D

Q: Dear Board of Omniscience,

Who exactly is this E-L-L-E person and why does s/he seem less than omniscient? Why can't s/he spell? And what's with all the little random symbols? Can you get E-L-L-E to prove that s/he really is omniscient and not just some little kid who whined his/her way on?

Sincerely,
In Doubt


A: Dear Doubt,

A person may be omniscient without the ability to type. Perhaps her fingers are too small or perhaps she uses a stenographer who does not know how to spell or perhaps even those who are omniscient prefer a more youthful voice than their current one to allow for greater universal understanding. Those who are older feel a greater inclination to listen to those who try to express a complex thought with simpler words. Let us assume that E-L-L-E is a girl about six years old. A previous question was answered by E-L-L-E regarding becoming the richest man ever. She took on her father's words of advice and supplemented them with her youthful undertones. She insinuated that even though neither she nor her father were rich, they preferred the company of one another over the monetary gain of cash, stocks, bonds, or real estate. Such wisdom does not often come to mind when a person asks such a question. They neglect the true costs versus the true benefits of becoming the richest man in the world. Do you understand yet? A person coming right out and saying, "We should try to focus on the greater good of growing and producing loving families instead of goods we do not necessarily need" comes off as a peace-loving tree-hugger. Not to say that they are bad but they are less listened to than most other voices. We have omniscient people here on the board who are more than willing to give you those same opinions on love, value, and the sweet feeling of peace that rises in your heart every time you help someone but some questions are better answered with a young voice from a person closer to your mind set. If you don't understand why E-L-L-E writes as she does yet, I suggest you reply to this as quickly as you can so that we can rectify exactly what your problem is as quickly as we possibly can. I apologize for the length of this paragraph but I'm afraid it was best said as such.

Thank you for your question and I hope that absolves you of your qualms.

- E-L-L-E ^_^ :D

PS. The "little random symbols" are facial expressions. ^_^ is a smile O.O is a shocked face >.< is disgusted :D is another smile XD is a laughing smile. Y_Y is a crying face. I hope that makes it all easier for you.

PPS. We DO in fact have stenographers and all spelling errors are to be attributed to them. ^_- (winking face) I am a very slow typist so this letter took an extremely long time to write. I hope it is satisfactory. ^_^

Note frum Sdenograffr: It tuk hr abowt too ouwrs too doo this ledr. I think wee shood give hr ay brake. I am tayking ay speling klas now sow I am soree abowt this fr now. It well get bedr. I promis.

Get Rich Quick

Q: What is the quickest, easiest, most dependable "be the richest person in the world" scheme?

My Smallest Regards,
Sir Richy Richalot of Caviar, Maryland


A: Dear Caviar,

Birth.

-Owa


Dear Sir,

Invent money.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear Richy,

Get plastic surgery so you look exactly like Bill Gates, then kill him off and pretend to be him.

-Apathetic


Dear Richy,

Make up a name like "Sir Richy Richalot of Caviar". You can't possibly not be the richest person in the world with a name like that.

-Hi


Dear Maryland,

my dad sed he gotted rich frum hiz job at wurk. ^_^ hee sed hee iz rich in monee and familee. :D that iz wut hee tolded mee. ^_^ hee wurks at howm soooo may bee yoo kood too? ^_^

E-L-L-E ^_^ XD


Dear SRROC!

That's just what we need more of! RICH people! OH YEAH! WHY NOT? IT's a foolproof plan! Lets make EVERYONE rich then our ECONOMY WILL FLY, YES F-L-Y FLY DOWN THE TOILET! OH well done sir WELL DONE! I hope the next time you try to get rich a bus hits you and makes you regret every dollar you sucked from the poor people who just wanted to have a CHANCE at getting up in the world. Well done, sir Rich, well done for making our poor one million dollars poorer!

-Expantastic ONE