Where Can My Baby Be

Q: Oh where, oh where, can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. She's gone to heaven so I've got to be good so I can see my baby when I leave this world.

The person who previously commented seems to have a more important question than mine that demands a more urgent answer than mine- but I'd still love one!!

-Belle


A: Dear Gong,

So is the question "Where can my baby be?" If it is I suggest looking either DOWN, IN YOU, or HOW IN HEAVEN'S NAME SHOULD... oh... wait... yeah... that's where she is... you... answered it... already... ok... nevermind...

~~ Expantastic ONE


Dear Belllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle

Yu losed a kid?! O.O! That's AWFUL! >.< That is asd! -_-, I hop yu fiend hr agen! Y_Y!

~~ E-L-L-E! ^_^ XD!


Dear Chimes,

Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain and the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind comes right behind the rain.

-Hi


Dear There goes the baker,

Did you check the crib?

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear Belle,

Probably the same place my little dog's gone, with his ears cut short and his tail cut long.

-Apathetic

Sympathy Addict?

Q: I've had what some people call a "rough life" - dad left, no money, mom couldn't handle it, etc. I am finally away from it all. Part of me wants to talk about my past. I crave sympathy. But sometimes I feel guilty about the pity-seeking and wonder if that will make it worse. When I get sympathy I usually keep talking to get more sympathy. Can you get addicted to sympathy? Part of me wants to move on, but I don't know how.

-Anonymous


A: Dear Anny,

I understand your plight better than just about anybody else on this board. (We, being omniscient, should have common answers but unfortunately we haven't had the same experiences.) I cannot say that this has happened to me. I have felt the way you feel, however. To crave sympathy is normal if not expected. Things like this should never be allowed to happen to good people such as yourself. There is a possibility that one may become addicted to sympathy. How to solve this problem is complicated but I will try to describe the process the best that I can.

First, analyze the situation. You seem to have covered that part well enough by pointing out that you are, indeed, away from the situation. It plagues you currently and you crave sympathy for it. First part, over.

Next, keep it a secret. You had a huge problem to overcome and if you tell people they will feel sorry for you. If a person hears this, within two weeks of meeting you they will almost instantly turn and say to themselves, "I don't want to get close to that person in ANY way." That is a problem. Try simply not talking. Avoid the subject. Turn conversation away from topics that may lead you to pleading for sympathy. If only a select few people know, they are more willing to give you a little pick-me-up every once in a while.

Finally, don't expect anything regarding sympathy. Don't hope that someone will notice that you are having a rough day and give you a mint brownie and a hug. If you don't expect it, you won't crave it so much. It's surprising how that works sometimes. I'm generally the guy who knows when someone is having a rough day and will then buy them a mint brownie and give them a kindly friend-hug. There are only four people who do this that I have heard of. I have met one other. DO NOT EXPECT TO MEET MORE THAN ONE!

If all else fails: (I know you're going to hate this but PLEASE don't burn me at the stake) Do service. Become the person everyone turns to for help. Help your fellow man. Tutor a subject you're good at. Don't say you don't have a subject you're good at. If you really came from a hard life, you have more common sense than most people and probably have a special area you are amazing at. I found that I'm great at Calculus because I can tune out other people and focus.

Good Luck. If it doesn't help I have a bag FULL of tricks for you to dig into. Just drop us another line. If it does help, drop us a line anyway! We'd love... I'd love to hear how it all turns out.

-Lucky Aaron

Omniscient vs. Omnipotent vs. Grahm Aire

Q: What is the difference between omniscient and omnipotent?

-one of the not-all-knowing ones


A: Dear Obviously,

Omniscient means all-knowing. Omnipotent means all-powerful. As it happens, I am both omniscient and omnipotent while you are neither.

-Apathetic


Dear Normal Person,

Teenagers are omniscient, parents are omnipotent. At least, both parties like to think so.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear stupid,

Latin, stupid, LATIN! Omni: all Potent: strength Science (cient in this case): study or knowledge. It's RHUDIMENTARY LATIN!

-Grahm Aire


Dear Needs a Dictionary,

Would you care to join me in laughing at Grahm Aire's spelling of the word "rudimentary"?

-Hi

How Often to Do Laundry

Q: How often should you wash your pants? Shirts? Sheets?

-Hate to Clean


A: Dear Likes to Be Dirty,

You should probably consider washing them when they start to get dirty. Try smelling them. If they smell worse than you do, it's probably time for a wash.

-Hi


Dear Hates to Clean,

Some people say you should wash clothes between every wearing. That's a bad idea, though, because washing clothes is hard on them and they get thin and wear out faster. I usually say wear clothes until they either look or smell dirty (usually once or twice for shirts and three to five times for pants). People usually suggest washing sheets about once a week. I break this rule into a million pieces... I wash them when they either smell or feel dirty. Probably once a month would be best, though.

-The Chief


Dear Gross,

More often than you wash your cat.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear Hate,

Yur naem is a for letr wurd! It is not niesss to uz that wurd .\_/. Yu probubly smel bad. >.< Gud luk!

E-L-L-E! ^_^! XD


Dear Cleanliness is nowhere near where it should be,

Depending upon what you do in each of those items the necessity may change. Do you run in them? Do you jog in them? Do you just walk in them? Do you sleep in them? Do you remove them often? Do you dance in them? What color are they? Here is a chart. Use it well:

time 1 dayI ...........................................................***********************
..................I ..........................................................................................................
..................I ..........................................................................................................
..................I ............................... ***************** .......................................
2 weeks.....I__**************________________________________
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .darker colors . . . lighter colors . . . Light colors (white) . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .patterns . . . . . less pattern . . . . . . no pattern . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . color . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

One more chart:

time 1 dayI ..........................................................***********************
..................I ..........................................................................................................
..................I ..........................................................................................................
..................I ............................***************** ...........................................
2 weeks ...I__**************________________________________
. . . . . . . . . . . . . I don't really . . . . I walk, . . . . . . . . I KILL PANTS! . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "WEAR" . . . I go about town... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . clothes... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Wear and tear
Give or take. Take the suggestions from the previous suggestors and smell them as well. A variety of activities may make this change. I suggest you wash your sheets every third week or so. DO NOT LET ANYTHING LIVE IN YOUR SHEETS BUT YOU!

-Dia Grahm

Sorry for the delay

We apologize sincerely for the delay in answering, but we've got some excursions in French torture to explore. We promise to be back up to date by tomorrow. Just thought we'd let you all know that your questions have not been forgotten, and we promise you several extra-magnificent answers very soon.

-Hi

Politics

Q: What's the difference between Republicans and Democrats and Libertarians? If George Washington were alive today, what would he be? (The more opinions on this one, the better.) Thanks! I like your blog!

- Konfuzzled in KonneKtiKut


A: Dear Kant Spel,

Ugh. I hate politics. And if George Washington were alive today, he would be really old.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear That's-a-Great-Word,

Democrats/Liberals are all for big-government controlling your everyday life and all sorts of welfare programs and "protect everyone's rights except for white males".

Republicans/Conservatives prefer small government which stays out of their business. Usually more religious and family oriented and more made up of white males.

I'm not so sure about Libertarians. Someone else knows, though, so I can leave them out.

George Washington would be Republican because he likes his country. Democrats are constantly bashing America. Plus he's a white male.

-The Sane One


Dear Something with Ks and Zs,

Libertarians are kind of in between Republicans and Democrats, but they're not Moderates. That's something else altogether. Republicans want government to protect people's rights. Democrats want government to take care of them. Libertarians want government to lay off. Since Washington placed a great deal of importance on people's rights, but not to the point where there was no government, I think he would be Republican, but I'm a little biased because I'm Republican myself.

-Hi


Dear I've never heard of that state,

What do you mean "if Washington were alive today"??? I AM Washington! Worship me!

-Liar


Dear Oh It's You,

He'd probably be very disappointed that our country is allowing itself to get ripped apart by all these political arguments and he'd become an Australian or something.

-Apathetic

TWO Questions

Q: Stumbed across this blog on a google search. Is it open to the public? It looks like a question is obligatory, so I'll ask one: What has 32 legs, ten teeth, and the intelligence of a drunk bullfrog?

--Anonymous


A: Dear Dude-with-an-insanely-common-name,

Actually, that looks like you asked two questions. So I'll just answer both of them. Mwahaha! Yes, this board is open to anyone at all. Tell your friends about it. Extra points if you can make us famous. Anyway, ask whatever you like as often as you like, because that's what we're here for. Just please don't be vulgar or crude, because those are the only questions we'll delete.

Okay, so let's see... 32 legs, ten teeth, and the intelligence of a drunk bullfrog.... I'd have to say the West Virginia unemployment line.

-Bumpo the Explorer


Dear Anony-groan....,

Yes it is, and the front row of people at a Garth Brooks concert.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear You Must've Had Interesting Parents,

A little kid whose teeth are just coming in who is playing with five insects after finding where his parents keep the alcohol. Definitely.

-Hi


Dear Anonymous,

My roommate.

-Apathetic

Burping Alligators

Q: Do alligators burp?

--Anonymous


A: Dear Uncreative Name,

No, but I do.

-Hi


Dear Unanimous,

Yes, but only in cartoons. Humans burp. Cows and sheep burp a LOT. Some other mammals burp. Some fish burp. Some birds use burps as mating calls. But reptiles don't burp. It all has to do with the way their digestive system works. You probably wouldn't be interested in the details.

-Apathetic

Smoking

Q: Why do teenagers start smoking?

-- Anonymous


A: Anonymous,

'Cuz they're stupid.

-Hi


Dear Anonymous,

Excellent question. There are lots and lots of reasons why teenagers may start smoking, so don't think the reasons I give you are the only possible explanations.

One possible reason is curiosity. They also may do it because they've discovered their parents (or others who have told them not to) have been wrong about other things, so they want to prove one more thing their parents are wrong about. It might be simply because their friends starting smoking and they didn't want to feel left out. Someone may have offered them a cigarette and they didn't know how to say no to it. Maybe their parents smoke so they feel it's a "family tradition" or something. Maybe they like the smell. Maybe they want a hobby. Maybe they just feel cool with a cigarette sticking out of their mouth (but I doubt it).

-The Chief


Dear Non the mouse,

Want a list?

1) Curiosity
2) To "fit in"
3) They want to commit gradual suicide
4) They're stupid
5) Their parents do it
6) Their friends do it
7) They don't have the backbone to tell someone "No thanks, I don't smoke"
8) They never decided before they were offered a cigarette that they would never smoke
9) They were abducted by aliens, who muddled their brains
10) Their brains are made of ash
11) It suits their "image"
12) They don't know what they're doing
13) They've been thrown forward hundreds of years into the future, so they're really from before people knew what cigarettes were and therefore don't know any better
14) They like smoke billowing from their nose and mouth - the better for pretending to be a dragon
15) They want to start so they can prove to themselves that if they do, they can quit whenever they want
16) They have too much money and want to waste it on something stupid, and cigarettes was the stupidest thing they could think of
17) They think it's funny setting off smoke alarms by breathing on them
18) It's funny watching little kids edge away from them in fear
19) They want to put everyone off their supper
20) It's something to do with their mouths that takes less effort than chewing gum

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator

Flemish

Q: Thanks for the tips. I don't know anything but English. Brussels is sounding nice, but I can't find any Belgian lessons. I assume I can get by without knowing the Belgian language? All of the programs say that no language requirement is necessary, but I agree with you that knowing a little of the language would be helpful. Where did you learn your Belgian?

-- Little Rock native


A: Dear Pebble native,

The Belgian language is a dialect of Dutch called Flemish (or Vlaams, in Flemish). It sounds a bit like a cross between French and German. In Brussels (and several other parts of Belgium) they speak French as well, and several of the signs are written in both languages.

Belgian children speak Flemish when they first learn to talk. When they start school, they begin learning French when they're about eight, English when they're twelve, and German when they're sixteen. So you should be able to communicate fairly well with most Belgians over the age of twelve.

If you want to learn the language, your best bet (next to finding someone who speaks it to teach you) is to get a computer program that teaches it. I would recommend Rosetta Stone, just because I really like that one. I didn't speak a word of Flemish when I went to Antwerp, and everything I learned came from the people I met there.

Here's a warning, though. Sometimes you can say a Flemish phrase and pronounce it exactly the way it sounds to you, and the Belgians won't have a clue what you're trying to say. When I tried to say "Het spijt mij", (pronounced het SPEHHHT muh) which means "I'm sorry", they couldn't figure out what I was trying to say just because I didn't hold out the EHHHHH sound in the second word long enough.

Belgians are weird.

-Bumpo the Explorer

Study Abroad

Q: I don't know how to post a question without giving my email address, and I don't want to put my email address on any public board because then I get lots of junk mail and after a few months I have to change email addresses to get rid of the problem. But here's my question: My school (ASU) offers study abroad programs in several cities, and I want to go to one, but I can't decide which one. Does anyone have any experience with these places and the cities around them and things to do there besides study economics and social policy? The places are: Ottawa Canada, Osaka Japan, Johannesburg South Africa, Brussels Belgium, and La Paz, Bolivia. Any help on any of these cities would be appreciated, and I need it in the next few days.

-- Looking for a break from Little Rock


A: Dear Breaking Rocks,

I've been to Brussels, Belgium. I went there as a one-day trip for my Study Abroad session in Antwerp, Belgium. Most of what we looked at was art museums, and we got a tour of the city itself. It's a very beautiful city.

As far as picking a destination, I could give you some advice. First of all, you may want to look at prices. Second, think about languages. They may tell you that learning a foreign language is unnecessary for a Study Abroad program and honestly, that's true. But knowing at least a bit of the language not only makes it a thousand times easier, it also makes it more interesting. It's a lot of fun to point to a sign written in French and say "Oh, oh, I know what that says!" Also, it improves your skill in the language significantly. So if you know a little French, you may want to pick Canada or Belgium. If you know some Japanese, I'd suggest Japan.

Another thing you may want to investigate is how many field trips you would take in each program. For my school, the Antwerp Belgium study abroad program took field trips every couple of weeks and we ended up touring all over western Europe. The London England program didn't take any field trips at all.

As far as things to do there, I can't help you much because I'm not sure what you're interested in, but I can guarantee that there will plenty of museums, parks, and other things you'll find to do in any location.

-Bumpo the Explorer


Dear Broken,

I sympathize with your not wanting to post your e-mail address. If you want to read a funny rant about advertising, you could check out this entry from a blog I like to read.

And I'd say pick Belgium, because you can rack up the number of countries you've been to by taking weekend trips (the countries in Europe are small enough and close enough, you could see a lot), and then you could brag to your friends about how well-traveled you are. Or you can go to Canada to hear the people say "eh?" and not get laughed at, except of course by you.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator

Kissing and getting fat

Q: What if you marry someone because they're not fat, and then they get fat? Can you divorce them? What makes someone a good kisser?

--Anonymous


A: Dear Anonymous,

Really, since I've never kissed anyone, I couldn't tell you what makes someone a good kisser or not. I guess you'd have to kiss them and see if you like it, and if you like kissing them, then they're probably a good kisser. I hear brass players (in the band) make really good kissers because they exercise their lips by playing their instrument.

And I'm not going to touch the divorce question because sadly enough, I've known people who have gotten divorced just because one of them got fat.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear Anonymous,

No, no, no, you can't divorce someone for getting fat, because if your spouse gets fat, it's obviously your own fault for cooking so darn well. Try burning some things and see if that helps.

To be a good kisser, you have to have good aim, first of all. If you try to kiss someone on the mouth, and you miss... that's just goofy. It's like when you give someone a high five, but you miss. You know how goofy you feel? Well, it's a lot worse when you're trying to kiss someone. Second, you have to have good timing. Sometimes people don't want kisses, like when they're trying to tell you something important. Third, you can't be sick when you kiss someone. Most people don't like that. Fourth, you can't kiss too hard. Nobody likes it when you smash your face into theirs so hard that they have to go back into braces.

-Hi the kissing expert

Spouse Quality

Q: So what qualities should you look for in a spouse? Height, weight, and curtain colour????

-- Confused in LA


A: Dear Confused,

What qualities should I look for? I should look for someone whose personality doesn't clash with mine. I should also look for someone who I never get sick of, no matter how much they're around. Would you like to actually see my entire list of things I look for in a spouse?

-Not Confused


Dear Confused,

Well, it helps if you know their name...

-Hi


Dear La!,

Well, duh! They can't be fat, and you don't want to end up like Mr. and Mrs. Smith, do you? If you recall, they started out arguing about the curtains, and ended up trying to kill each other. I don't know about you, but I never really like it when the person I'm married to shoots at me.

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator

Marry Me

Q: Will you marry me?

- the Anointed One


A: Dear Anointed One,

Sure, under one condition. Tell me your name.

-Hi


Dear Anointed,

It depends. How much money do you make and how good are you at kissing?

-Fiddlesticks the Defenestrator


Dear the Anointed,

Was that question specifically to someone or are you trying to bring back polygamy? And are you male or female? Were you adressing men or women or both? What about those of us who are already married? How tall are you, how much do you weigh, what color hair and eyes do you have, and how many kids do you want? Can you cook? What color curtains do you want in the living room?

-Apathetic